1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is New-erk not
New-ark.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush
hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the
parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Wussy."

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own
version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires
go second.

However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking mothers
ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey.
Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during
the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more
exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,dogs, cats,
barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires,cell-phoners,
deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these
items.

9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say
they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike ez pass lanes
are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone,
you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon
for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after
church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.